Because I'm married now! : I would! If I could! But I can't! Why? / words and music by Herbert Ingraham

VERSE 01: How do you do?/Well how are you?/Me? Why I’m feeling fine!/What have a drink?/Well I don’t think!/That stuff don’t go for mine!/No, not just one,/’Cause if I begun:/Lord know where I would end/Now look here old man/I know where I stand/Just listen to an old, old friend.
VERSE 02: Now don’t get mad!/Or don’t feel bad!/I thank you just the same!/I am your friend!/Right to the end!/You know I’m not to blame!/What? Go see Nell?/Whom you like well?/And she’ll introduce me to Mame?/No thank you old scout/’Twould be sure to get out/I would like to see them just the same.
VERSE 03: On one fine day/At Sheepshead Bay,/Bill watched a race begin,/Said Henry: Bill!/Be sporty still/I’ve a sure thing to win!/He’s ten to one/And called Shogun./You’ll never miss a ten!/Bill looked kind a sad,/He must have felt bad/When he said now you just look here Hen:
CHORUS 01: I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now!/I bid all those things get behind me when I took, the marriage vow,/I may be strong, but my wife is stronger,/And if I do wrong I’d have a ome no longer!/I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now.
CHORUS 02: I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now!/I bid all those things get behind me when I took, the marriage vow,/Since I’ve been married, and you know that’s recent,/I will have you understand that i am perfectly decent!/I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now.
CHORUS 03: I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now!/I bid all those things get behind me when I took, the marriage vow,/They say that money is a man’s best friend,/Then when you get married all your friendship ends/I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now.

VERSE 01: How do you do?/Well how are you?/Me? Why I’m feeling fine!/Sale? Well I should guess/Cheap? Well I guess yes./Come on let’s get in line./Yes, that’s Mr. Wilks,/He works in the silks,/Know him? I should pretend!/What’s that, Mr. Kline/Want to take me to dine?/Just whisper to my former friend.
VERSE 02: Now don’t get mad!/Or don’t feel bad!/I thank you just the same!/I am his friend,/Right to the end/Tell him I am not to blame./What’s that you say?/To some cafe?/Have something nice to drink?/The idea Miss Trout,/’Twould be sure to leak out/Now don’t be angry, stop and think.
VERSE 03: Now I am sore,/So say no more,/For tempting me is mean,/Supper I know,/After the show,/Has Jake got a new machine?/We’ll all get a bun,/Me get home at one/I don’t dare leave Fred alone,/That would make him wild,/He can’t manage the child/And then I’d lose my happy home.
CHORUS 01: I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now!/I bid all those things get behind me when I took, the marriage vow,/I’m pretty strong,/But my old man’s stronger,/And if I’d do wrong,/I’d have a home no longer,/I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now.
CHORUS 02: I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now!/I bid all those things get behind me when I took, the marriage vow,/Now I’m not tall,/And he’s no taller,/But we have something home/That is a great deal smaller (cry)/I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now.
CHORUS 03:I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now!/I bid all those things get behind me when I took, the marriage vow,/I’d steer the auto,/And I’d work the throttle,/But you know I got to/Give the kid it’s bottle/I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now.
CHORUS 04: I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now!/I bid all those things get behind me when I took, the marriage vow,/Since I’ve been married,/And you know that’s recent,/I’ll have you to understand,/That I’m perfectly decent./I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now.
CHORUS 05: I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now!/I bid all those things get behind me when I took, the marriage vow,/I’d join the bunch,/And I’d go to luncheon,/But I’ve got a hunch,/That I might get a puncheon,/I would, if I could, but I can’t,/Why? Because I’m married now.